strength in weakness

Wow! this sux, not the best way to start a blog. But here's the deal

I'm going to be leaving here in a week, to go home to go to michigan to go back home and work, I liked the sounds of that... so much as 2 weeks ago, actually I was waiting for it, wanted to be home, but now there is something not right something wrong, what's wrong? what's wrong with me? why does it have to be like this? why do I have to be so broken? I know that nothing is ever so bad that we can't get over it, but God is good, i have to remember that... well I'm heading to bed, sorry for the very uninformative rant

why are you all so unhappy?

I was at chapel today and I went forward to receive communion. On my return from my seat I was looking around at the people sitting in the pews, and I noticed how few smiles I saw... I could count them on one hand. That depresses me, this should be a joyous occasion, it is the celebration of time well spent for our president, the graduates are being recognized and are being commissioned, and we have just taken communion and celebrated the life that we have in Christ through the sacrifice. if all of these things are good (like they are supposed to be) then why is everyone so unhappy? what's wrong? shouldn't we have smiles on our faces expressing the joy that Christ has given us all? shouldn't we be able to express the fact that God has been good to us throughout our time here and the fact that we are still here? what's wrong? why?

something different

Hey All,

So I'm lying in bed and having trouble sleeping, you've all been there just like any other time. Something is going on and you aren't sure what, why is this seemingly simple task so difficult. I just need to lay my head and fall asleep why must I need to try, why so hard. Why?

this question isn't the only question on my mind. Why am I so screwed up? what is wrong with me? what is going on? why am I here? why do I constantly feel oppressed? why are these wings that my God has given me suddenly seem chained down and like I will never fly. They tell me that they are "in for repair" or "time for an upgrade" but this upgrade seems more like a down-grade. I'm feeling like all of these "improvements" are more like a negative. God built me to be free but I am not, I am far from it and why? what is going on? tell me... give me the answer.

I'm supposed to know the guy with all the answers and I'm supposed to be sharing Him with everyone else but... I don't have the answers myself. I used to, I really did. I thought I had life in order and for a time it was true. true it wasn't perfect and in reality nothing ever is...

why oh reality are you so elusive? why does it feel like I'm a pawn in a game just being watched... every move I make is judged, critiqued and the answers on how to be better, faster, stronger... are just beyond my reach, my grasp, my handle... I try hard to grab them but they are just that one extra inch too far. there is all sorts of apparent issues such as spreading myself too thin, but there seems to be so much more too it.

when I started this blog I didn't know how I would end it, and I simply ask one question... if YOU have answers, I will do anything for them.

another day, this one a little brighter

Hey Guys,

so I wrote my last blog and it was a little bit in bitterness and it was a little bit in anger and I need to apologize to anyone who actually read it and thank them for doing so. I have come to a better place, I'm not sure how or where or when but I am at a better place now. I have been taking naps, that though I realized some people can't take naps because then they won't sleep at night but my naps will enable me to do so, but that isn't the only thing. I have been able to hear God more and I've been talking with him more rather than to him, and I can't tell you how great it is to hear from God. When I think about evangelism, sometimes it scares me and I'll admit that, but it only does so because I don't konw what I'm sharing. when I think about it the way I see it now the only thing that scares me is that I'll either get painted with the same brush as the fanatics or I won't be able to answer their questions.

but all in all life is much better hit me back!

Lucas

Where I'm @

Hey All,

I am not writing this for all of you but I am writing it for myself, you see I need to have a place that I can vent, and though I've got people I can vent to I have to slant it in the way that can communicate my message best for them. But here I can communicate it the way my heart desires to.

I am afraid, most definitely in general. The reason for my fear is that though for all of my life I've been a happy guy I would hit points where I would be sad and upset and not know why. I made a few changes that God needed me to make and I made them confidently and I started to turn my life the way I wanted to see it go. At this point I am starting back into those old Habits and plans and patterns that I don't like. That is the source. I'm currently attending Bethany Bible College and I am forced to be someone that I am not while I am here. I am working on making plans to take one semester off of school. There is honestly a lot of things that I will just "let the chips be as they fall" and see what happens in the spring with the consequences, and there is a large majority of people who agree that it would be a good idea and I've got a lot of support, but there are a few who have valid arguments against it, that being time, and that being that the purpose and reason for taking a semester off can be accomplished while I'm still in school and I need not to take the time off.
Though my primary reason for taking the time off is because I need to get back to the place where I was before I got to this school and I personally started to go back down hill. I don't know how to be both here and be who God wants me to be.
The other reason I want to be at home is to do two things. The first is be a presence in my house, I want to be there for my parents to live with them to clean the house when I can and to just be around. I also want to work to put some money down on student loans so that I will have less money afterward to pay off (though it won't be much it will still be some). The last thing that I wanted to do is probably more important of my goals and that is to start a young-adults group in my town, to help those who are at a stage in their life that no longer feel a part of any of the ministries that the churches in the area offer, for the ministries are targetted at a demographic either older or younger.

that is where I'm at, if you bothered to read to the bottom I'd love for you to hit me up! maybe there's some sweet stuff you can enlighten me with.